A Safe Kids Now series for young people.
I was FROZEN into SILENCE by PTSD or also known as Traumatic Amnesia for 38 years from Incest at age 2 – 8 by my grandfather. My uncle, his son was also a pedophile. My mother & two female cousins were victims as well. Clergy Sexual Assault robbed my innocence from age 11 – 12 at a Christian youth camp that I went to for years. We owned a cabin for many years at this campground with my family.
At age 16, because of these Complex Trauma’s, I was unable to start my period, so my mother took me to the doctor for hormone shots. At age 18, I was raped by my Christian college age boyfriend who I ended up marrying when I was nearly 21 years old. Raised in a wonderful Christian home, I wanted to remain pure, but he wanted more than I wanted to give so I gave in to his advances as guilt settled into my soul.
Domestic sexual violence by infidelity as well as pornography came into our marriage when my husband’s dad tragically ended his own life by suicide when he was 57 years old. I felt that it was the death of our marriage because I had no one that I felt safe to talk to about all these things, so I kept all my horrible secret’s deep inside because of denial & shame for 38 years. Infertility led to the adoption of our first-born son because my body was unable to function physically, emotionally & psychologically as it should. We were raising two very young little boys during this time, but when I became pregnant with our third son, I wanted to run away from it all. I called my doctor but didn’t tell him my secrets. He put me on Valium which made my panic attacks & anxiety worse.
In July of 1998 at the Christian & Missionary Alliance Bible Conference Center where I had been sexually assaulted in 1955, I was sitting with my husband worshiping together in the evening service. One of my friends, who was a pastor’s wife, whom I hadn’t seen since youth camp poked me on the back asking me to pray with her. As she openly wept, she told me about her own sexual abuse with the clergy that had molested us both. Both of our dads were pastor’s, we each had cabins, but she was unable to go back for 27 years because of the trauma that had done to her as well as other children when she was a teen.
One year earlier, in 1997, in Gabon Guinea, South Africa, sexual abuse was exposed at the Mamou Alliance Academy Boarding School in a remote jungle where many missionary children’s mom’s & dad’s thought they were protected. Abuse of all kinds happened by the teachers which included sexual abuse, hitting & tying the child’s hands behind their back to have their teeth extracted with no Novocain. These young children had no phones & no communication with their parents whose children were sacrificed for the sake of the gospel. Many adults who had attended the school in Africa have forsaken God, the church & their families. Most have become angry, numb, stuck in denial, depressed & betrayed. Others are agnostic, Trans & homosexual.
An Independent Council of Investigation was formed searching for answers because so many became aware & were horrified hearing that there was no prevention. They asked one another – What would the cost be? Would these many adults need Therapy? Would we be embarrassed as a denomination? Would there be lawsuits? But the answer became clear as they told one another, “We need to do the right thing!” A Healing Retreat was set up for all those who wanted to come for restoration, healing, prayer & with the Christian & Missionary Alliance seeking forgiveness as a denomination. A Safe Place Workbook was written for clergy & churches to help them understand the ramifications of the Complex Traumas caused by perpetrators of sexual abuse survivors.
As a very young child, I had accepted Jesus into my heart at my dad’s knee at a camp. As an adult, I knew that I had paid a high price to God’s call on my life to use everything that had happened to me throughout my life for good. But I suffered much persecution, shame & was ostracized & criticized but I knew that I had to make a choice ~ listen to the voice of others & be silenced once again or listen to the voice of God. The sound was like a distant drum which I tried to deny for a while, but God has taught me to depend on Him alone.
When we see others through the tears of our own grief, we have a different perspective that uniquely qualifies us to minister first aid, with compassion & mercy like the Good Samaritan in the Bible did with the wounded traveler. The choice is ultimately ours.
Submitted by Published Award Winning Author, Listen to the Cry of the Child, Humanitarian Aid Worker, Warrior, Facilitator of Beauty Out of Ashes Support Group & Proactive Survivor
Barbara Joy Hansen
